Thinking Aloud, a program I was supposed to hear

Last night I went to watch a movie with some book group friends.  In the five minutes it took me to drive to my destination, I caught the introduction of this Thinking Aloud program on Classical 89.  When I got home, I just had to look it up online and hear it entirely. It has helped me, though I'm still processing why.

Dr. Sam Brown, an Intensive Care Pulmonologist here in Salt Lake was interviewed in this episode.  He discusses the ethical and moral issues that modern medicine has introduced into dying.  Since 1960 or so, the process of dying has changed with resuce methods which preserve body function when major organs fail and give the body time to heal.  In some cases, the body does just that.  But the other side of this complex issue is that now 90% of death under physician care in the US is a concrete decision by patients, their families, and doctors managing their care.  That insertion into the death process can be precarious and confusing.

Last August when our family was called to the Murray ICU to decide the course of Eric's care, we were really there to decide HOW he died.  We were kindly informed that his body was only alive because of the interventions he was under.  He could be kept for a limited time on those interventions, but he would soon arrest and there would be another decision as to whether or not to administer CPR to try to keep him alive in this sedate, limbo state.  But Eric's doctor was clear that no matter what they did, his body would not heal from this latest failure – massive heart failure.  We would be extending his life only for a time, but it would be assisted life.

Eric had an established history of beating long odds.  ICU was a normal part of life for him.  And the heroic efforts of his medical team did give him valuable time with his loved ones.  The months preceding his passing were sweet and full of life, not languishing.  Those months gave us treasured memories and caused us to believe he really could live with APS.

Because Eric had this lift, and knowing his impenetrable optimism, making the decision as to how death proceeded was a burden that I wrestled in the weeks after he passed.  I would question if we'd given up too soon, lost faith, relied too much on the arm of flesh.  But listening last night, I have exposure to the situation as a whole, not just what I experienced first-hand.  I think I saw for the first time that death for Eric had begun really days before and most critically as he was placed on a ventilator to life-flight him to Murray.  When we removed the extensive supports, death simply proceeded.

And I remember that when you have lived life as well and true as Eric, there really are worse things than dying. (That truth makes me miss him not one iota less.)