February 18, 2015
Dear Riley,
Much will have happened in both of our lives in the two
weeks it takes this letter to reach you.
I am writing days after receiving a declaration someone I love no longer believes the Church to be true or even that God exists. Since reeling with this, other people who are connected with us and
who have left recently as well, have come to our attention. One father, confused how this could make
sense to his struggling child got this answer:
We are a different generation; we want answers. GP quantifies this with, we want answers immediately. That statement brought me back to the subject line of the declaration which started it all, within which I saw irony: “I Have Something Important to Share with You:
My Journey of Faith.”
I know you’re a good missionary who just left the MTC, so if
the scriptural definition of faith doesn’t pop into your head, I’m shocked:
faith is things which are hoped for and not seen, Ether 12:6. There will be things we’d maybe like to tie
up into a tidy little bundle, but we just can’t in this life. Yet we still hope that our faith will be
rewarded and we will one day see things in their proper place with proper
perspective and call it beautiful and good.
My thoughts were tender as I read the Book of Mormon Sunday,
Alma 12: 10: And therefore, he that will harden his heart, the same receiveth
the lesser portion of the word; and he that will not harden his heart, to him
is given the greater portion of the word, until it is given unto him to know
the mysteries of God until he know them in full.
President Uchtdorf rings in my ears: Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith (Oct 2013).
There are ample doubts on this side of the veil. And I don’t know at what point our vision
will be full, but I know enough to hold to the things I do know, even when I
don’t know enough to answer all the questions.
Another great conference talk comes to my ears (Niel L. Anderson, Oct 2008)You Know Enough.
There is another frailty in man, one I think is connected to
the loss of faith, in that we tend to rewrite our past according to our current
lense. For example, a couple going
through a divorce will say they never really loved the other. Come on, really? You just took that leap for fun? Or you’re
tired and hurt and can’t remember how this decision that is making you
miserable now ever made sense. So the
only way to really stay honest in life is to record frequently as we’re going
through things.
I found in my writings some of that honesty recently. It was recorded while Eric was in the
hospital in 2006/2007 and the doctors told us his death was imminent. I had written emails to the family updating
them daily. I still wanted to believe
that Eric could posses the miracle GB and then most recently Dad
had blessed him with. But I can see now
that my faith was weak. And then when he
did die last year, I really expected him to leap off of the hospital bed and
chastise us for giving up so easily. It
wasn’t so, but one day he will rise, completely healed by the miracle of
resurrection, and he will embrace us and we will see with our eyes what we have
seen with the eye of faith.
I hope my writings will always be honest in the truth that I
have been given. I delight in my
God. I praise my Savior. I have tasted living waters and I know the
power of the atonement of Christ to heal broken hearts and cleanse sin. I love the temple. I know the Spirit works through me, in my
weakness, and that I am able to bless others that way.
Nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.
I will live in faith in a sphere of doubt.
“I will not doubt, I will not fear;
God’s love
and strength are always near,
His
promised gift helps me to find
An inner strength and peace of mind.
I give the Father willingly
My trust, my prayers, humility,
His Spirit guides; His love assures
That fear departs when faith endures.” Hymn 128
I love you,
Mom
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