Parker’s progress

When Parker was small, we used to say he had two modes: asleep and loud. That didn't even prove true as he would sometimes have night terrors and be asleep AND loud. A little over a year ago he was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). The months preceding the diagnosis were intense and painful. However we dug deep, got lots of practice using Love and Logic parenting principles, and worked as hard as we possibly could to help Parker conquer the foe.

Once we had the diagnosis, we began a nutritional protocol and homeopathic drops to support him. He really improved a lot. We were all working hard. But over the last few months we had a new swell of oppositional behavior. There were times when I handled it so perfectly. Then, thankfully, there was the day that I did not.

I was in charge of the March Relief Society birthday dinner with a friend. The food was primarily my responsibility and I don't know how to do things the easy way. So the day before this dinner I was intensely involved in the preparations for the food. Parker wanted something and I was requiring that he meet the standard family criteria to have it. When he was told that he had to finish something, he went from a reasonable voice to rage in less than a breath. He started screaming instantly and intensely. This is usually my cue to remove myself and everyone else from the area as it's a rare thing that he'll stay in his room for discipline. But I was actually walking over to his proximity to take care of some food as this all played out and he was right next to me as he cut loose. Out of instinct I reacted to the pulsing pain in my ear drum by slapping his face hard. Now on most kids, the shock of that slap would stop, at least for an instant, the progression of their behavior. But on Parker, it escalated it. He screamed louder, truly insanely, and ran out of the house. I locked to door behind him to give me some space to consider my course.

We made it through that night; he came back after a few hours and apologized. But the entire event made me evaluate where he really was and what toll being battle-weary was taking on my approach to him. And it wasn't just me, a few weeks earlier he'd been sent home from school for a serious fight with a friend. When I came home from the RS dinner, I did some research. I was ready to move to pharmaceutical interventions, but I don't ever like handing over full control to someone less vested than me. So I felt that I needed to be prepared to advocate for my son.

The research led me to see how very much we had already done correctly. In addition to immediate drug therapy, I was led to consider neurofeedback for long-term ADHD management. Researching that, I found a psychiatric clinic in Salt Lake that uses neurofeedback for a number of things including ADHD. Then I found a neurofeedback unit for home use that plugs into your video game system. The same psychiatric group he was scheduled to see was listed a professional group to facilitate home training sessions. The night that I had watched about this technique, I could scarcely sleep. I was so excited and happy. It was not unlike the sensation I had after my first real conversation with Dave: I knew something life-changing had crossed my path.

The appointment came quickly and the counselor prescribed for Parker. You would think that would be that. But I'd put Parker back on the homeopathic drops and he was working really hard and… I don't know all what. But the fear of abuse and addiction tugged at me. Plus the cost of the particular drug was high if we didn't have a pharmacy benefit on our insurance, a reality less than three weeks away. So I didn't fill the script immediately.

Again, luckily, two weeks later Parker had a moment of weakness and I could see that we were asking an awful lot of ourselves for a number of months in the future. I filled the prescription and actually found a way to accomplish the filling of it in coming months if we require.

Four days later, we have just celebrated our first holiday without a negative interchange with Parker since he was about four. He is a different kid this week from last. Yesterday we noticed how many times circumstances that would have been a match to kindling simply didn't ignite. I appreciate how hard he has been working as I see how light and enjoyable he is today. To make the week even better, his neurofeedback unit arrived yesterday. This could be Parker's, and subsequently, our family's year!

The obstacle of perfection

Looking back to last Easter, I realized I did not add it to the blog! There has been much happening in the past few months, so much that I have been neglectful in recording. But as I went back through the blog entries in March and April last year, there is so much that I'm glad I did record. Part of what keeps me from writing each subsequent week in 2010 is that I feel a need to make things perfect, to flow from Christmas forward to today…. a task that is grows ever more monumental.

But in repentance I turn from past and record today.

This Easter was general conference weekend. I love conference and the feeling it projects into our home and family. But it is always a challenge for me to feel prepared for Sunday when four hours are spent in study and worship on Saturday. Add a holiday to that Sunday, and I'm sunk before I start!

We did not have even one jelly bean in our house before 6:30 last night. That sounds like I hadn't even considered Easter, which is not the case. I even had some candy and things in my shopping basket a couple of different times in the last weeks. But Parker is so profoundly and negatively affected by artificial food coloring; it just felt like purchasing a form of poison, enticing poison, for my family. So I always put the colorful bags back on the shelf. Rest assured today that everyone has enjoyed far more attractive poison than common sense dictates prudent.

In the pursuit of a Parker-friendly Easter, I spent several hours Friday night boiling different natural coloring agents to dye our eggs in Saturday morning. That was a labor-intensive process with poor yields. After trying a couple of different colors, I took the lack-luster eggs out of their several dye-baths and declared that Parker could wear gloves and we would proceed with our traditional process. As we opened the egg boxes back up to dye the eggs in the plentiful artificial color baths, the natural-dye eggs had dried and were much prettier. But the natural dyes were long since down the drain and no one was one smidgen regretful.

Dave took the boys and Chris Kelsey up to Salt Lake for Parker's first Priesthood session yesterday, trying to get into the meeting on stand-by. They didn't get in. It was a good effort though, and they did enjoy the meeting (in an overflow for an overflow) and a dinner our after. In fact as I was preparing goldenrod eggs for breakfast this morning, I asked everyone about their favorite talk of conference so far. Both boys mentioned talks from their evening Priesthood session.

Today has been very nice. I always love the actual day so much because the preparation, however effective, must be accepted as complete. We awoke to two or three inches of fresh snow! Happy Easter! At least the Easter Bunny had taken the time-tested approach and hidden the eggs and baskets in the front room. Everyone was so delighted and happy enjoying the holiday spoils. Those moments are treasures to the mother-soul. I would also like to note that this is the first holiday in years that we had complete peace in our home in the anticipation and execution of our traditions. I will write more about that in a new entry.

I would like to close this entry with my testimony that Jesus Christ came to earth, the mortal son of our Eternal Father. He walked among men, teaching and working for their salvation in body as He had in spirit. He suffered for the errant choices of all men that we, through His suffering might be free from the bonds of iniquity. He was scourged and crucified. He rose from that mortal death in beautiful resurrection. He appeared to multitudes as testament of this fact. His perfect atonement and resurrection qualify all men to rise from death to stand before their God and account for their lives. We have the opportunity to apply the justification of Christ to our lives, to be given better than we deserve or merit of ourselves. Through faith in Him and obedience to His commands we qualify for the best gifts God has for His children, eternal life in His presence. I know this salvation is real. I have been instructed, nurtured, and led to this truth through the Holy Ghost whose mission it is to testify of Christ and truth. Christ's power has healed me in life. It will raise me in resurrection. My hope is to accomplish in my life all that is required to merit the fullest of God's blessings in the life to come. By doing so, the blessings of perfect Easter will never die.

Christmas Angel miracle

Before you want to make me into a Grinch, hear me out. This Christmas was booked. We had many nights with two different events and some with three, but hardly one December evening without something. Here’s a little admission I don’t like to make: I can’t keep up even when it’s not Christmas and crazy busy, so adding more just felt like more I couldn’t accomplish. I started to get grumpy and that made me feel even more guilt. So I did what I always do when I don’t like where I am: I prayed. The Sunday before Christmas I told Heavenly Father that I wasn’t feeling the Christmas Spirit and I desperately wanted to so I could share it with my children. I plead for that Spirit to come to my heart and figured it would happen at church.

Cambry sang in the choir and the program was beautiful. My sweet, pure Cambry was the voice of Mary and she did a wonderful job. You’d think that would be enough, but the Christmas Spirit was still out of reach. I left the meeting feeling a bit forsaken.

That night we got a call on the cell phone. Our friend in India, Shama, has a grown son living in Santa Clara. Pushkar called to ask if it would be appropriate for him to come spend Christmas with us. Well of course it was. Now here is the ironic Grinch conversion. Doing more, could that honestly be the answer? But it was.

That evening Lestelle told me a true story she’d heard in her meetings about a stressed out mother and a man named Angel who she believes was sent to her door on a cold December day to help her unwrap the gift of peace and love in her heart while she found a way to give generously for the holidays. Pushkar became my Christmas angel, and thereby a blessing to my family.

Special needs

Riley had a conflict back in December. His first obligation, I thought, was to support his program and perform with his band at their holiday concert. Riley spoke with his teacher about a conflict that arose with his mutual group. They had been offered the chance to sponser a special needs ward for their weekly activity. Riley really wanted to attend that activity with a few other band kids in our ward. The teacher gave him a pass and let him write an essay to get credit back.

Both Cambry and Riley came home and told me how neat it was. Riley mentioned they'd played a game he was familiar with where you try to pop balloons tied to ankles without having yours' popped and how much fun it was play with these special needs kids. Cambry had a girl who wanted to sit by her and be her best friend.

That Sunday the special needs ward came and presented a sacrament meeting program to our ward. What a touching meeting!!! One leader told us how unusual our youth were, as they have wards meeting with them weekly. She said that a lot of boys are very competetive when it comes time to play games. But our youth were playing with the special needs people and some of our boys actually held out their balloons to be popped.

During the meeting, Cambry's special friend waved to her from the stand. When Cambry responded, the girl motioned to Cambry to be certain that the gesture was directed to her and upon getting an affirmative, demonstrated pure glee.

At the conclusion of the meeting, a mother whose child is in the specials needs ward approached Riley with tears in her eyes. She grabbed his arm and told him how impressed she'd been with him and that it was an honor to witness him passing the sacrament.

Those are moments a mother can't create.

Much to be Grateful For

Exterior painting on the house is complete!!! We had the two warmer days we needed for the second coat two weeks ago. Dave must have gotten some flack for my house painting from neighbors because he didn't want me to do the second coat alone, but the constraints on his time have not yet lessened at work. Intentions were noble, but the weather was tempermental. So I proceeded on the back of the house and the west faces of the upstairs and garage. Karl Kidman arranged to come help Dave Friday at noon. As is turned out, Dave didn't have as much time as he'd hoped. Yet we got the front of the house completed that last warm day. It felt so wonderful to put it all away and Dave did all the clean up that night.

We had a sad professional couple of weeks. Dave had to terminate an employee. We knew enough of what was happening to justify the action, but once he was gone, we have uncovered serious grievances that have required further action on our part. When the scene had all played out, I felt such admiration for David. He truly had seen this person for what he could be rather than how he had acted and was able to tell him so. It was not enough to make ourselves whole, Dave gave opportunity for repentence. In the end, we will not be injured by his actions which he is cooperating to make right. Dave is a good, good man.

This week brought a special treat: my Grandma and Grandpa Bramwell came down for Thanksgiving from Idaho. Since we were scheduled to be with the Parishes for the holiday, I took the kids up to Layton to visit with them. We just don't get to see them often enough! What a pleasure to sit and talk with them and enjoy their company. I took the kids up again Friday so Grandpa could take pictures. It was wonderful to sneak that second visit in. (My mom had a little surgery that day and seems to be healing up well today.)

Thursday was a wonderful Thanksgiving of course. Johnny and Heidi and Mike and Shan'l came down from Idaho to be with the family. Jeff and Amber brought their clan. Plus Debbie's best friend in New York has a daughter at BYU, Lisa, who came to share the holiday. The food was supurb! The kids just played and played with cousins. Mike brought a long personality test which all the adults took and discussed much of the evening. It was interesting and made me consider how dynamic we are. I know that my breakdown would have been different, less rounded, 10 years ago. What will another decade bring?

Yesterday we all worked like a farm family! We put up 96 quarts of applesauce. That is a serious acheivement! Everyone helped and kept helping all through the long job. Dave took pictures of the kids enjoying the project, to be sure they remembered ENJOYING it.

Today brought a wonderful surprise for me. A single sister in the ward, Cherice Montgomery, invited us to dinner on the spur of the moment. That just doesn't happen; we are too big of a group. She put together some Thai food and I whipped up an apple crisp and we had a wonderful afternoon. She was very complimentary of our children. I was so unburdened all afternoon without having to cook the main meal making for a special Sunday treat.

All in all, we've had a good couple of weeks replete with the same kind of blessings we enjoy all year, so much to be grateful for.

Conquering/Coping with FEAR

This house project has been a big stretch for me. Dave can handle being in process a lot better than I can, perhaps it's that compartmentalizing of the male brain. But for me unfinished projects add additional stimuli to my taxed brain that are constantly triggered by my everyday activities. I need to get Aleah's coat on - notice there is no trim around the inside of the front door - need to get this done. I need to sew a peice onto a costume - go out to the garage, rummage through six different boxes to collect the majority of necessary tools - got to get the basement craft room done. Go downstairs to collect ingredients for cooking dinner - walk on mostly finished tile - got to get this floor done. Drive up to the house - see the multi-colored patches where additional prime was painted to a few small sections - got to get that painted.

We were heading to a crisis. The siding needed to be painted before winter. Winter is coming quickly. Dave is working 12 hour days, six-plus days a week. We went substantially over budget on the remodel so we have to paint ourselves. Guess that leaves me.

Dave taught me to use the ladder and we had a few warmer days this week. So I painted. Did I mention that just changing the sheets on the top bunk has me swooning from its height? Wednesday I was out to beat the storm and I wrestled that big ladder, the height, and my fear all day and got paint on all the faces of the house. When it got dark, I pulled out Dave's halogen lights and began a second coat on the east side of the house where the down spouts go so we could put them back on before the storm hit.

I get really scared up at the top. When the ladder is extended and leaning against the house, I feel safer. But when I have to paint above those big windows on the face, the ladder can't lean against them and I have to A-frame the ladder. Extended as high as it will go in that orientation, I have to stand on the second to top rungs, straddling the apex of the ladder between my calves. I practice breathing up there to keep from passing out.

At the end of the day Cambry said, "Mom, you're conquering your fears!" Riley cut the congratulations short with, "I don't think conquering is quite the right word." He's right, I was coping at best. But there IS paint on the house!

I know I was a spectacle because folks noticed me painting and mentioned it to me at church today. Shortly after I set up the lights Wednesday night, a neighbor as old as my mom (Venice Bienholt), pulled up and asked if she could help me. Hesitantly, I conceded to let her paint low parts. She came back, husband in tow, and chatted with me for a couple of hours while Frank and I covered the east side with its second coat. I have thought about how much that meant to me lately. It took a sister, one who has had to pull the reigns at home herself, to perceive that I was doing something because it needed to be done, not because I was comfortable doing it. And though she couldn't climb ladders and didn't even stroke a brush, she eased my burden. Frank called me the next morning to see if I was painting. I think he intended to come help me again if I was. It's not an easy thing to save me. But I have to love the people who try anyway.

Yellow advanced

I guess it's been a busy couple of weeks! Parker advanced a belt in Taekwando so he's now a yellow advanced.

Dave sometimes feels that we are spending too much on this sport and he has not been as enthusiastic about Parker doing it as I have been. One day right before belt testing, I had too many pots cooking and asked Dave to pick Parker up from the studio for me. When they walked in Dave was teary. He said watching Parker with his focused, determined, precise energy caused a joy to well up inside of him. Dave tied the new belt at the graduation and Parker was surprised when Dave tied it correctly without instruction.